Heavy heart

It is amazing that a heavy heart actually feels the way it sounds.  I lost my sister this week and she is the first of 13 to die.  It was not unexpected but is is easy to say that until it really happens.  Death of someone younger is also shocking as it reminds all of the family that we are getting older and it becomes more of a possibility.  Still,  the rest of us are very healthy and come from that strong peasant stock.  I feel sad and am tearful and there is a child inside me that wants to run away and not face the goodbye memorial service.  Grown ups have to experience feelings that are sad as much as we wish we didn’t have to.  I want to make this a growth for me  and experience my emotions.  Strange how difficult it is to mourn and feel one’s own feelings.  I mourn my sister’s death because of her choices led to it but then I remember the pain she was in and how life is often just to hard to do anymore.

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